Relief

The husband and I had a "discussion" the other day and since then my head has been spinning. Full of information I can do nothing about and letting my imagination run wild making up scenarios that make my hair stand on end. Trying to quiet the beast that is my brain I went for a walk with a friend this morning. What a relief- blue skies, a crisp wind and the word "tiny" floating in my head. My daily assignment from a photo-journal class I am taking. For a period of time the conversation in my head stopped and I found peace. These beautiful eucalyptus blossoms reminded me of the forest scenes in Avatar. If you have not seen the movie you should go, I don't see many movies but it was a visually stunning movie and a wonderful experience. I'm not going to question how long this good mood will last but enjoy the peace and quiet my head is feeling right now.

Sweet honey

Last night as I was sleeping, I dreamt-marvelous error! that I had a beehive here inside my heart. And the golden bees were making white combs and sweet honey from my old failures. Antonio Machado

I love this quote, sometimes I want to wish my past away. But when I read this quote I realized that I need my past it makes me who I am today. I can learn to make it a precious treasure and not a bitter remembrance. The art work is by esty artist Michele Maule.

Thursday PM

Snowdrops-that is what I call this little white flower that blooms on the tip of a mass of green. It dangles there so innocent and delicately. Being the first green plant to push its way up through the wet dark soil announcing the end of winter and the start of spring. Although it may be cold and overcast, the next few days it is suppose to rain I know that the worst is over when I see these little flowers. In two weeks like the snowdrop I will have to push myself up out of the comfort of my safe studio, where my heater blasts away and music fills silence. I'll be attending a 3 day workshop taught by Nina Bagley. I will get to spend time in a cottage in my own room in the redwoods. Part of me is excited another part of me is apprehensive. I have placed expectations on myself that have me scared and anxious. Try as I might with all this self talk I am into I have not found a way to resolve the situation. I'm coming to the conclusion that the only way out is through and just to do my best and it will probably be fine but I am still nervous (alittle bit)

Growth

I am still absorbing the pleasure of my home. To reconnect I've been cleaning my studio/spare bedroom. Dusting off my shelves and touching my favorite objects, it is grounding me and helping me reconnect. I felt rather torn from my roots these past 10 days. But it was good for me to be taken out of my comfort zone and shaken up a little bit. It reinforced in me a desire for a life of peace and calm, it made me realize just how important that has become to me. It helped me realize that I have grown and that the growth is not just a temporary thing, but can hold up in adverse conditions. Life in the present is important to me. Taking time to pause and meditate are things I'm trying to learn. I learned this past week how much this has become a part of me and isn't just wishful thinking. There is still so much to learn, life is always throwing curve balls. Like the fact that I have to go to work in the morning and I would rather stay at home and play!

Home

Here at last, it feels so good to be home. Back amongst my stuff. I just wandered the rooms touching, picking up items feeling home in my hands. I've not been away from home this long in several years. It was necessary to reacquaint myself with my surroundings. My dogs were happy to see me but I think they were more excited to see my husband who had only been gone an hour to pick me up. Lily found the doggy toy I brought home for her and Penny found the airline peanuts I had tucked in my purse. Dogs have amazing noses!!! I am adjusting to the quiet of my home, unwinding from 10 days of being "on". I slowly feel myself shutting off and I want to take a nap, join the dogs on the couch. It will be good to be in my own bed tonight, and awaken to that cup of coffee in bed.

Final Day

Today is the last full day of the visit with my mother. My mind is full. I miss home my husband, and doggies. And yet I worry about my mother-I think she is doing well enough to be left alone, I worry about her doing too much. Also it has been nice being near my sister and for those who read both of our blogs you know she is going through a difficult time right now. It has been nice to be able to support her during this long, lonely and trying first week. Thank goodness for art-it does "save lives". Yesterday I discovered several packets of Twinkling H2os in my mothers stash of supplies, what fun they are to play with. I love how they sparkle on the page once they dry. I spent a good part of yesterday afternoon playing with them. I just want to thank everyone for the words of encouragement this past week. I've used my blog as a space to vent and it has been good to be supported.

Being present

Only two days left of my visit to my moms. I think she will be well enough for me to leave. It has been an interesting visit. Much has been going on not only in my mothers life but in those close to me, there has been much upheaval and pain. I am continually thankful for the life I have and the peace that I have found in it. This week has been a big lesson for me in staying centered and present in the moment, although many times in the moment I wanted to run away screaming. I just kept reminding myself that I was here not for my mother but for myself- that I needed to do this to keep peace inside of myself and that seemed to work. I would often find myself listing things I was grateful for in rather a chant that would help me from losing my temper. Now when I look with fear at all the potential I see as future problems I try and focus just on today. My mother is ok today, I'll drive myself crazy worrying about a future I have no control of and a mother I have no control of. I'll deal with those future problems like the one I am today by being there and being present and being the best person I can be in the moment.