Rugged Times

It has been a rugged rough past few days here in sunny hot Scottsdale. First my mothers surgery was not the success we had hoped for, her bone quality is poor and so the surgeon could not fuse as many levels as he had planned. Her first night in the hospital she overdosed on pain medicine and stopped breathing-fortunalty things were caught quickly. But since then medication has been given out sparingly. In other words my mother is in much pain. It is difficult to sit there and watch her clench teeth, groan, and furrow her brow. I feel like the hysterical mother in TERMS OF ENDEARMENT-but my pleas seem to fall on deaf ears. Today when I went up my mother was feeling better, enough so to ask for a Starbucks hot chocolate! She is to be discharged in one day! She is weak and hardly able to move herself around in bed, although with help she is sitting in a chair and taking short walks in the room. It has been decided that she will go to a rehab hospital for a few weeks until she is stronger. This has caused emotional distress on my mothers part since she feels she is going into a "nursing home." But this is more than I can handle and I've told her so. I spent part of the day touring homes and found a lovely one not far from where we are staying. All in all it has been stressful, sad, and has left me feeling rather desperate. Thank you for listening to me vent.

Tolerance

There is much going on in my household during the next few weeks. On Tuesday I leave for Scottsdale-a 12 hour drive. My husband and the dog Penny are going because we are going to be there for 2 weeks helping my mother. She is having major back surgery and will need someone with her to help with her recovery. It will be nice to be away from work, but I wish it was under different circumstances. My mother is a frisky 74 year old lady. She is basically healthy, but has some underlying issues that make taking care of her difficult. It is basically that she is the MOTHER and I am the DAUGHTER. No matter what the age that never changes. Wish us both luck, I'll keep you posted.

Indecision

"ALL OUR FINAL DECISIONS ARE MADE IN A STATE OF MIND THAT IS NOT GOING TO LAST." marcel proust. I've made a rather major decision about my life. When I first made the decision it felt right and perfect, I was excited and anxious for it to happen. Now that time has gone on and I wait for the event to occur I've had time to think and I've started to "what if" myself. There are no answers to the questions I have about my choice I just have to walk through believing in myself. In reading this quote I realized that life is fluid, it is constantly moving. What may seem totally acceptable one day may not be quite right the next, one just has to keep moving forward and making constant adjustments. I could live in the frozen world of "what ifs", hiding behind every excuse, and problem. Instead I'm going to keep my head in the sun moving forward looking for answers and solutions.

Guilty pleasure.

''YOU MUST HAVE BEEN WARNED AGAINST LETTING THE GOLDEN HOURS SLIP BY. YES, BUT SOME OF THEM ARE GOLDEN ONLY BECAUSE WE LET THEM SLIP." j.m. barrie. Work was slow this week so I took an extra day off. I did get up enough gumption to mail a package, and visit the farmers market but other than that I did not leave the house. I love cooking shows and got caught up in Master Chef on Hulu. It is so fun and addictive to watch episode after episode, before I realized it the whole day had gone by-guilty pleasures. Today I plan to spend one more day filling it with guilty pleasure. I hope you all have a great week-end filled with guilty pleasure.

Kindness

"NO GREAT THING IS CREATED SUDDENLY. THERE MUST BE TIME. GIVE YOUR BEST AND ALWAYS BE KIND." unknown. We drove past a wonderful cottage garden a few days ago. It made me envious, wishing I could get such beautiful flowers to grow in my back yard. I realize it is not my back yard, but the time I'm willing to put into gardening that is the problem. I love the results but not all the work. Time is the secret in many things. Learning a new craft takes practice and practice. Making a marriage work takes time and effort. Being good at a job does not happen over night. One must always try your best and be kind, not only to others but to yourself. It has taken practice for me to be kind to myself, something I still work at. But I do find that the easier I am on myself the easier it is to be good to others. May we all practice being kind to ourselves.

9/11

One can not be living and not be aware that this weekend marks the anniversary of 9/11. A tragic event that has changed our country and the way many of us live our lives. I did not know any one who died on 9/11. I knew people who got their airline flights cancelled, that was the biggest inconvenience. My family was lucky. Our country has been at war ever since. I have developed a general sense of fear and unease, especially in crowded spaces, big cities and watching airplanes in the skies. It is not enough to deter me from doing things but leaves me with a question in my mind. I dislike this suspicious feeling but have not come up with a solution for it. I wonder about those who suffered real losses and how they cope. My heart goes out to them. I think about the people who fight the wars for us. Maybe I think too much. I just know that I am thankful to live in a country that provides me with the rights and safety I do have. Because even if I have fear I know it is less than many and that I have more than most.

The trail revisited

Labor Day week-end was spent on the ridge, up in the mountains away from it all. I like to think that I get away from it except that my husband has a tv antenna, gets reception and watches the evening news. I try not to pay attention because there is little positive in the world these days, 9/11 anniversary, unemployment at 9%, flooding and drought, fighting in the government. Being in a little trailer I was unable to get away from the depressing broadcast, and it made me afraid and sad. I got to spend time on my favorite forest trail, taking in flowers, fresh scents, sun on my back, sweat on my brow and for a while everything was ok. Nothing is wrong in my world, I have much to be grateful for, I just wish I could spread it around. It is difficult to live in these troubled times.