Changes

Red berries, cool nights, golden leaves a tale of fall. It is my favorite time of year. The crisp air, the low hanging sun, the rustle of leaves. In California at least where I live it is not a bold colored fall, but it is a season just the same. One knows that change is in the air. Change with the seasons is acceptable and welcome in my life, but I resist change that comes to me otherwise. It was spending part of the day with my best friend-"brewing hope" (as I read on ornamental). I realized that I did not need to be afraid of change that I could see doors opening instead of closing, a glass half full instead of empty-that my life is good. I hope you all have a good week-end enjoying the fall weather.

Home

I'm back home. My journey consisted of a long winding path these past two weeks. At times I never thought I would find my self at home and feeling good. But that is where I am. My mother is settled into a rehab hospital, she is less confused daily, has accepted she needs to be there and is content with the choice we made. Every one is happy to be home, especially Penny the dog who's barking did not go over well at the condo we were staying in. I am learning the difficult lesson of letting go-to release my mother to the universe, the care of others and have faith that they will do good by her. I am not a parent and can only imagine how difficult this must be to do on a daily basis but also how important it is to do not only for the child but for the self. Both parties must be given space and time to grow and flourish. Again, I want to thank you all for your words of support these past weeks, they have really helped me get through this difficult time.

On the road

Some peace at last. My mother is back, at least most of the time. She has moments of clarity and this gives me hope. It is good to get out of the hustle and bustle of a busy impersonal hospital. With a clean bill of health we can get on the road to recovery. What a test this has been for me. Major fears have plagued me moment by moment. I've been afraid I would lose my mother, I've been afraid of making choices, I've been afraid of not being enough. It has been awful to say the least. It has really been a lesson in staying in the moment, and being present. Although I wanted to run away and hide many times. My prayer through all of this was "Thy will not mine be done" and that helped keep me grounded. Again thank-you for listening to me, I use this blog as a sounding board and your comments are appreciated.

Rocky

I can't say as if things have improved any since I last posted. It is rocky, there are no soft spots. I do have faith that if I do MY best then things will turn out the way they are suppose to. I've given up control, that helps me to sleep at night. Although I sleep a restless sleep waiting for the phone to ring. Watching my mother go from a frisky determined little lady to confused and weakened has been difficult. It is frightening because I'm so afraid these changes are permeant. That I have lost the mother I knew and gained a responsibility that I have no idea of how to deal with. I wish I could take my brain out of my head and wash away the fear an anxiety, it is crowded in there. Thank you for all your words of support.